On Christmas Eve 2004 Tim & I sat on the floor curled up next to the Christmas tree with the lights aglow sipping cocoa after watching our favorite holiday movie, It’s A Wonderful Life. The title was exactly how we were feeling as we spent what we knew would be our last evening together alone as a couple. Family would start rolling in the next few days in anticipation of our baby boy’s arrival so we knew this would be our last evening to spend time just the two of us. We reflected on our marriage, the pregnancy, our future and the baby. It was a wonderful night. We went to bed late after making love and planned on getting up early to fix a big breakfast and see what Santa had left us under the tree.
At around 5:15am I woke up and felt what I knew was my water breaking. It was way too much wetness to be anything else. So I quietly went to the bathroom to check and cleaned up and came back to bed. I leaned over to Tim and whispered "How would you feel about a Christmas baby." He rolled over and looked at me expectedly and I told him my water had broken. We chatted for a few minutes and decided to try to go back to sleep for awhile. Later we got up, fixed breakfast, and opened presents. I had gotten him a glider rocker and ottoman to rock the baby so it seemed perfect timing. We called Amy, our doula, and told her what had happened and we all agreed just to let things play out, thinking that probably within 24 hours I would be in labor. We called our family to let them know. Tim’s family arrived at our house around lunchtime and we had a good time opening presents and hanging out. Of course we were all watching the clock and waiting for labor to kick in......waiting became the watch word for Christmas that year. That evening everyone turned in. His family was staying close by but not with us. Amy came by to see how I was and then decided to stay with a friend to be closer.
The next morning NOTHING had happened and Tim’s family went to breakfast hoping to hang around long enough to see the baby born. By lunch they had to leave and my mom and dad and brother arrived. Amy checked in again and we decided to call the midwife. We told her what was going on without giving specific times because I didn’t want to go to the hospital if I didn’t have to. I knew they would use the 24 hour limit and want me in there...and I wanted to avoid induction and intrusions into the birth I had envisioned. Meanwhile my sister was going into research mode from her home in Austin Texas and comparing stats and research on premature rupture of membranes. We had figured that was what had happened. She would call intermittently with info. I was still willing to wait....and felt that with Amy there and her experience and knowledge as well as our midwife aware of the situation we were fine. Tim however was getting a little nervous. He knew PROMs put me and the baby at a higher risk for infections...and we wanted to avoid that altogether...I REALLY didn’t want to spend any more time in the hospital then necessary but surely didn’t want to risk the baby’s health.
By Sunday afternoon we had tried just about everything to get labor started...Amy massaged points on my legs and feet, she rubbed oil on my belly, I walked a marathon, I did squats like a madwoman, I danced, I did squats, I prayed and meditated, I took a hot shower, etc. The CNM, Beth, finally suggested castor oil. So Tim brought me a chocolate milk shake and I poured it in. It was the oiliest shake ever but not too awful. My mom told me that when she was a girl she had to drink castor oil with OJ and it took her years to drink OJ again so not to drink something I really liked. I have since had milkshakes and can report I still love them dearly. We then played the waiting game again. Amy hung out with us which was nice. Finally it started to kick in...I went to the bathroom several times...and some contractions started to happen. Over the next several hours I started having contractions and even got to where they were happening at regular intervals. Amy was amazed at how relaxed and comfortable I seemed. The three of us hung out and my folks and brother stopped by for awhile. They went back to their apartment we had rented for them and went to bed expecting to get a call from us during the night that I was off to the hospital. I decided to try and get some rest since I figured some hard work was ahead of me...if I only had known!!
By 8am the next morning the contractions had petered out completely. I was really upset. I couldn't believe it. Beth, the midwife had told us to call her the next morning and check in...she knew I had started contractions....so we called her. After telling her I was NO longer having contractions she told us to come in and see her at her office that morning at 11. We went and she sat down with us and laid out our options. She was aware of my wishes to have a natural birth with little if no interventions. I appreciated her honesty and her concern. I thank God she was on call when all this happened. I think if anyone else had been in her place I probably would have had a much different experience. We all decided that the best course of action was to go on into the hospital and kick start my labor with pitocin. We all knew that we were on a time table....it had already been over 50 hours since my water had broken. Tim and I felt that our baby's health had to be put first EVEN ahead of my aversion to hospitals. So first the three of us (Amy was swiftly becoming our "other" partner...HAHA) grabbed a bite to eat at Bob Evans....and headed to Jacobson Park for one last attempt to get things started naturally again. It was bitter cold....me and Amy chugged along in the cold while Tim followed us in the van. Nothing was happening and we were freezing so we packed it up and went to check into the hospital. We called my parents and brother (and my sister and her two daughters) on the way to have them come meet us.
We checked in [to Saint Joseph East] about 1:30 and were escorted to a birthing suite. My family showed up and it was very much like a big party for awhile! Tim had brought the music we had picked out as well as Coco the Monkey. (For those of you who haven't had the pleasure..Coco is Logan's first stuffed animal...we slept with him all through our pregnancy and took him everywhere we went.) Beth came in and did an exam to see where I was. And it was not where I had hoped to be. I was only maybe 1 cm dilated.
They hooked me up to the pitocin around 3PM. This is the part I hated. The one thing I was adamant about in my birth plan was NO IV'S!!!! And here I was getting one first thing. Luckily I was still able to move around ....so I sat on my birth ball and chatted with everyone. I had them turn down the sound on the monitors. And basically I just tried to block out the distraction of being hooked up to a machine. We listened to the O'Jays, Ben Harper & the Blind Boys of Alabama, a Salsa CD, we even danced a little, my dad went and got Wendys sandwiches and fries and all the while I drank Gatorade and water. At one point a guy stuck his head in the door and said "Anybody need an epidural"....we just burst out laughing...it was so funny. I think Tim said "I'll take one." I guess he was about to go off duty and was doing his last sweep of rooms. But I had no intention of going that route.
About the time my contractions started getting to the point that I had to concentrate everyone left except Amy and Tim. My mom came back a little while later. I found relief sitting on the toilet (which pissed our nurse off a little I think because I would unhook from the monitor to do this) and moving about the room. Amy massaged my feet some. The contractions really started to roll up on me very intensely. I had a hard time concentrating due to the IV and at one point Tim told a nurse she needed to unhook me from the monitor. She came back in and turned the IV and monitor off around 9PM. Evidently you can't have one without the other. Beth came back in and we decided to leave it off for awhile and see if things would naturally progress from there. We walked the halls...for what seemed miles and miles..an eternity....me, Tim, Amy, and my mom. I would stop when I needed to...if a contraction came on. We went round and round. Things were starting to slow down I could tell. When Beth came back in to check me the news wasn't good. I was a "good" FOUR!!!! I was so dismayed and just couldn't believe that was it. Tim and I weren't sure what to do. Beth suggested some sleep and maybe start things fresh later. By this point me, Tim and Amy had been up for more then 48 hours without a shower. So Tim and I went for another stroll around the maternity ward to talk and decide what to do.
I wanted so badly to just have things happen on their own. I wasn't sure I could take more pitocin...things had been really hard to handle towards the end and honestly I was scared of it. I was afraid of the pain and of my ability to handle it...so like usual I was trying to put the inevitable off. Finally Tim looked at me and said "We've been up for 48 hours, you're tired, and if we put this off any longer we could be looking at you not having the energy to finish this...not the way you want to...you could end up exhausted and in a sea of interventions" (or something to that effect). I knew he was right....there was only one way to do this...and that was plow right through it...right now. We went back with our answer and they hooked me back up around 11PM. Things from there seemed to happen quickly and in a blur. The contractions came like waves at first and I could ride them....and when they got more intense I would go sit on the toilet or stop in my tracks and just breathe. Tim would rub my shoulders or just support me with his voice or his hand. Amy would occasionally make suggestions for positional changes which helped. I walked, I rocked, I bounced, I sat on the toilet, I groaned, I breathed, I prayed and I just took what came. My mom, god love her for being there and giving us her quiet support, at one point was filming the labor and it was dark and her camera light came on and was shining in my face and I remember telling her to turn the camera off.
At one point while on the birth ball I started to feel sick....someone got me a pan and up came every bit of Gatorade I had downed that night. I threw up four times. I knew that marked transition so somewhere in the back of my mind I felt relieved that things were coming to a head. Contractions were strong....I headed for the toilet and some peace. When they would peak I would almost come off the toilet seat....after awhile Tim came to check on me...and then Amy. By this point my fairly consistent stream of "birthing vocalizations"...that's my word for all those noises I made during labor....had turned into guttural, low, almost animal like moans. When I felt the first inkling of an urge to push I knew immediately what it was. It's like nothing I had ever felt before but I knew what it meant. So must the nurse because she knocked on the door and insisted we come out. This annoyed me. Her worry was so unnecessary. But our partially deaf nurse who had left home without her hearing aid that morning was evidently not used to just sitting back and letting nature take its course. We finally came out of the room and she insisted on checking me. Looking back this was the one thing that annoys me most....I had to sit up on the bed...which was the one position that hurt the worst when contractions hit me...which at this point was almost continuously. She did a quick check, sent for Beth, and told me NOT to push..that a small lip was still not ready.
Well that was just crazy....Amy had me breath thru a couple of contractions but told me if I was ready to push anyway. When Beth got there she couldn't believe that I wasn't already pushing since I was ready...she said something to the nurse about her obviously not being used to working with Beth!!! Amy suggested hands and knees...as earlier that position had been helpful in coping with the intense contractions. I jumped up on the bed and she put the back of the bed up so I could lean on it. I'm sure I was quite a sight...my big white rear end in everyone's face. I waited for the next urge to push took a deep breath and slowly exhaled while bearing down with my urge. I know in my own mind I sounded like an animal but honestly I couldn't have done it without the vocalizations. They really do the trick. I remember at one point telling Amy I just wanted to go home (this made Tim tear up) and looking up and there was Coco Monkey hanging in front of me smiling. I just laughed. During the course of my labor Tim had moved Coco all around the room, cracking Amy up. It was like Coco was going thru it with us. With each push I could hear myself sounding angrier....it seemed to help to use that tone ....like I was getting more bang for the buck. About the time the baby crowned I felt intense pain...and yea...it was pain...the old "ring of fire." I remember thinking ..oh good after this initial pain it will naturally numb itself and not be so painful like all the books and people say. Well let me say for the record...they all lie. Yes the initial crown burns and hurts and then with each subsequent push it hurts as well. It felt almost like something was stuck there....well....yeah......but I heard Beth and Tim say they could see his head. I took my hand and felt the top of his head....it was wild...I wanted to be the first person to touch this child I had carried. Tim said at this point when Beth was soothing me with choruses of "you're doing good Joy" she looked at Tim and mouthed "his head is HUUUGE!!!" At this point I was really wondering how on earth I could endure this any longer....I remember saying to myself that "yeah it hurts when you push but that is the ONLY way to get him out and the faster that happens the sooner you will feel relief"...so with that in mind...I waited for the next contraction and urge took a breath and grunted and pushed. I really just went for it....giving it my all....Tim was so excited running back and forth between my head and looking at the baby. He was encouraging as was Amy the whole time. I pushed for about 45 minutes and then I pushed one last time and WHOOSH!!! The best feeling in the world went along with that sound.
He was out and Tim had caught him. I took my shirt off and rolled over and they put Logan Edward James on my tummy at 5:37am on December 28, 2004. He was slimy, and blue, and beautiful. I was in awe and in love. He latched on and the birthing symphony played out around me.....I won't bore you with the aftermath of medical stuff. But the room did look like a CSI crime scene when it was all over. Tim mentioned the mess in the same breath as "and you wanted a home birth?" I had never seen my husband so absolutely in the moment and happy as I did that morning.
